Parents Redshirt Son to Give Him Better Shot at Kindergarten

KILLEEN, Texas - Cody and Carli Wade have elected to let their son, Colt, stay an extra year at Bell County Regional Pre-School, where he was the quarterback of the Bell County Bandits, the 2008 District XII Championship Preschool Football Team. Colt, who started all fifteen games for the Bandits, "would have been preschool all-state in a New York minute if he just had a little more size on him," said his father.

Colt Wade, a 3'1", is slightly small for his age.

Although Colt, who was born on September 11, 2004, could have entered Bell County Regional Preschool in 2007, his parents kept him home until September 2008.

"The extra year did wonders for Colt's arm strength," said Carli Cody, a former all-American volleyball player at Texas Christian University.

While admitting that holding Clay back for a year is "a savvy football move," Cody Wade said that Clay's extra year in preschool will pay academic dividends also.

"He should damn near have mastered the alphabet inside and out by the time he enters kindergarten," said the elder Wade proudly. "That ought to help him with endorsements."

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In related news, Carson Dupree, a redshirt first grader at Earl Campbell Elementary School in Houston, has put his X on a letter of intent with Texas Tech.

Madonna Now Wants to Adopt a Basenji

LILONGWE, Malawi - Would-be serial adopter Madonna, thwarted in her attempt to buy another Malawian child, plans to adopt a dog instead, a confidant told Postcards from the Pug Bus today.


"Even before the court turned down her adoption request, Madge had begun to lose interest in another kid," said the confidant. "She fell in love with a stray basenji, an African breed noted for its intelligence, and she plans to adopt one from a shelter as soon as she returns to New York."

Although Madonna refused to talk to the press following her Malawian setback, her confidant reported that Madonna had come to the conclusion that a dog might make a better playmate than a sister would for her adopted Malawian son, David Banta, 3.

If Madonna thinks that adopting a dog in New York is going to be easy, she ought to text Angelina Jolie. Several years ago Ms. Jolie spent three hours being fingerprinted, strip searched, and filling out preadoption paperwork at a New York shelter; but instead of being escorted to the head of the queue, she was placed on a waiting list.

"We didn't do Ms. Jolie any favors just because she's a celebrity," said shelter adoption counselor Angela McClusky, who explained that Madonna would not be permitted to adopt a dog "until we've had a chance to find out if her latest 'boyfriend,' Jesus Luz, is really of legal age; and, of course, pending the results of an IQ test that will determine if Madonna is, in fact, smarter than a Basenji."

Another source close to Madonna said the singer wanted her adopted son, David, to have a "meaningful pet experience." Toward that end she plans to wean David off the small amounts of canine meat she had introduced into his diet.

"Madge still believes children ought to eat holistically," said the source, "but she wants David to understand that not all dogs are for eating."

The friend added that Maddona had no plans to stop feeding David the locusts and tree bark that are the mainstays of his "geographically appropriate" diet.

Fortune Cookies Seal Condom Deal

WASHINGTON, D.C. - China’s largest condom manufacturer has scored an extra-large contract with the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID). Beginning next year Tsingtao condoms, a subsidiary of Tsingtao beer, will supply billions of condoms to USAID, which distributes them in poor countries around the world.

The USAID condom contract previously belonged to Alatech, the largest, state-of-the-art, condom-production facility in the United States. That deal spang a leak, however, when Tsingtao not only underbid the Alabama company but also threw in fortune cookies to sweeten the deal.

“Tsingtao came up big with the fortune-cookie-in-every-pack offer,” said a USAID spokesperson. “We gave Alatech a chance to match that, but the best they could come up with was a Dale Earnhardt memorial condom.”

Florida Student Suspended for Passing Gas

LAKELAND, Fla. - An eighth-grade student in the Polk County School District was ruled off the school bus for three days after being accused of "excessive and disruptive flatulence." The fifteen-year-old allegedly passed gas repeatedly "for the amusement of fellow passengers" ultimately creating a stench so foul that the bus driver, who issued the citation, had difficulty breathing.


A school district official said the student honor code of conduct is silent on flatulence, but it does prohibit causing a disturbance on a school bus.

The gas-passing student, whose name is being withheld because she is a minor, denies any involvement in the matter. Nevertheless, she got off easy compared to a thirteen-year-old student at a Stuart, Florida, school who was arrested in November after authorities said he had cut the cheese in home economics class. His trial is still pending because the school district wants him tried as an adult.

These gas-passing incidents rise beyond the level of school district politics. Secondhand gas, say members of NOGAS (The National Organization for Getting Aggressive about Stench), dramatically increases the risk of acute nausea, insult to the nasal lining, asthma attacks, and even asphyxiation.

“We are all regularly exposed to gas from others, and any exposure to secondhand gas is a risk,” said Eve DeWitt, president of NOGAS. “The only way to protect people is to make all gas passing in enclosed spaces a second-degree felony.”

Not surprisingly, the NOGAS position was blasted in some quarters. Edward Ferlinghetti, executive director of the Pork Rind Producers of America, said, "The dangers posed by secondhand gas are debatable and likely to remain so given the limitations of epidemiology."

While allowing that gas can increase the risk of nausea, Mr. Ferlinghetti raised the question of how much secondhand gas would have to be inhaled in order to do so.

"To be exposed to the laboratory levels of secondhand gas necessary to induce lung damage in mice," he said, "a person would have to be locked in a small room in a Mexican restaurant with a party of twelve for twenty-five years."

Other lobbyists urge a turn-the-other-cheek approach to this question. The Pennsylvania Tavern Owners Association, for one, remains split down the middle on the question of secondhand gas. Some board members appear willing to endorse the NOGAS position, while others believe the owners of bars, nightclubs, and other places restricted to adults should decide whether to allow farting—or should, at very least, be allowed to provide farting and nonfarting sections in their establishments.

Finally, said Mr. Ferlinghetti, "enforcing any gas-passing ban would be a logistical nightmare. Certainly, the guy who rips a hole in the back of his jeans and knocks three people over is an easy call, but what about the SBD (silent but deadly) types? Are we going to have fart police in every restaurant, subway, and transportation vehicle in the country? Do we really want people spying on one another and ratting out their neighbor who let one go during a Super Bowl party?"

Obama Touts Sale of Chrysler to Crocs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama, stung by critics like Rush Limbaugh, who refer to him as the “Fresh Prince of D.C.,” has announced a radical venture to revive this country’s car wreck of an automobile industry.


In remarks prepared for a rally in Flint, Michigan, tomorrow, the president is expected to announce that he is brokering a deal that will allow shoe manufacturer Crocs to buy out Chrysler and begin to manufacture Crocmobiles.

"If Chrysler management had walked a mile in Crocs' shoes, it would understand the reason for the buyout," said the president. "Crocs are stylish, comfortable, light-weight, colorful, customizable, and rust proof—everything that Chrysler cars are not—and Crocs are air cooled."

The president also pointed out that Crocmobiles will save lives. In tests conducted at the Daytona Speedway, crash test dummies walked away from 60-mile-per-hour, head-on collisions with conventional cars virtually unscratched.

"Instead of turning into a sardine can that slices up your intestines upon impact," the president said, "Crocmobiles become a free amusement-park ride."

President Obama got the idea for the Crocs for Chrysler swap while watching his daughters, Sasha and Mahlia, decorating their Crocs with widgets.

"I thought to myself, 'Damn, Mr. President, wouldn't it be cool if we had cars that were as simple, fun, and economic?'"

"I had lunch later that day with Joe (Vice President Biden), and he was wearing purple Crocs. I knew I was on the right track then. Anybody who puts his foot in his mouth as much as Joe does, certainly knows his way around shoes."

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In related news, speaking on his radio show today, Rush Limbaugh denounced the Chrysler buyout as "a giganantic crock."